A Piece Of My Soul - A Song By Stamatis Spanoudakis - In memory of Fajrina

Yesterday, at 4:34 p.m on 23rd November 2015, my daughter's childhood and best friend, Fajrina, finally lost her battle with SLE. Their friendship had lasted for 15 years, and theirs is a story of beautiful friendship. They first met when they were selected to continue their education at a junior college in the city where my daughter and her best friend were born, Their friendship also includes two more girls, Henrietta and Fazilah. When they completed their senior high school, they went separate ways, each, to different universities in different part of the country, as well as outside, to pursue their dreams. Henrietta was the first to graduate with Bachelor in Civil Engineering from UNIMAS. Next to graduate was Fajrina, with Bachelor of Accountancy with Honours from UITM, My daughter Stephy graduated with Bachelor in Nursing with Distinction from a Canadian University, while Fazilah has just graduated from UTHM with Master's degree majoring in Education.

As a mother, I was always keen about my children's well-being. I took deep and genuine interest in their friends and made a point to get to know them and make them feel at ease with me. I watched them grow from early teens to adulthood. I enjoyed watching them share their stories as well as their funs. The friendship between these four girls transcends time and distance. They tried their best to meet at least once a year to catch up with each other on their latest stories. They took full advantage of the latest technologies to keep in touch with each other.

Fajrina was such a sweet girl, who was shy, polite and soft-spoken, but she was never in the best of health. The first time she was admitted to the hospital it was  due to her kidneys not functioning very well. At one stage, she had to go on medical leave to rest for six months, Then she recovered and continued with her senior high school. Ever since that time, she was on constant medical check up and hospital visits were becoming more frequent. I often wonder how she managed to complete her undergraduate school and passed with an Honours Degree in Accountancy.

Last October, my daughter, Stephy, flew from Doha in Qatar back to the city where she was born in Malaysia specially to visit Fajrina who was admitted to the hospital. When she returned from the trip, she was in tears, and she told me that things weren't looking good for Fajrina, but that she (Stephy) had to keep her sadness in her heart. Yesterday, barely a month after Stephy's visit, Fajrina lost her battle with what was diagnosed as SLE that had attacked both her kidneys and bone marrow and the rest of her organs. Stephy cried uncontrollably and as I tried to console her, hugging her whimpering body close to mine, my tears flowed silently. Fajrina was only twenty eight years old - so young and with so much to live for. 

Now, as I wrote this note, I remind myself just how transient and fragile life can be. That young girl who was just into her teen years back in the year 2001 has left us today. And I have so many regrets, especially knowing her background and her life story. If only I had known....

Life is so fragile and transient - we always think that our best friends and those that we love will forever be with us and that misfortunes only happen to other people. Let us treasure our friendship - hold our friends' hands and memories dearly in our hearts. Pray for each other. For me, even though I am here, far away from you all, my best friends, your kindness and our memories will always remain in my heart. And though I don't say it out loud - I loved you all then ...still....and always will.

Farewell dear Faj....Each time someone we love dies, she/he takes with her/him a tiny piece of our soul.....

13. Of Fairy Tales and Bed Time Stories...

When I was little, dad used to read stories from a story book, about the elves who helped a poor old man to make shoes. Every time he finished reading the book, he would cover me with my blanket and promised that he would continue with another story the next night. The next night dad continued with another story about two siblings, Hansel and his sister, Gretel, children of a poor wood-cutter and his wife, who were abandoned in the forest. The part where the witch planned to fatten and then eat the siblings were quite scary for little me, but like most fairy tales, the ending was a happy one!

Dad read me all the stories in that old story book, which must have been extracted from Grimm's Fairy Tales written by the Grimm Brothers. With each story from the book, I would imagine that I was with the main characters, watching them went through happy as well as scary moments. When dad finished reading the story of Rapunzel the long-haired maiden who was locked up in a little room up a tower, I imagined how lovely she looked with her long blonde hair. The pictures drawn in the old story book did not help at all, as we did not have coloured prints and pictures then!

The story of Rumpelstiltskin scared me more than thrilled me. I remember vividly, when dad finished reading the story, I did not want him to leave my bed. I did not want to imagine myself in the story. I remembered covereing myself with my blanket from head to toe. Dad stayed with me and my little sister until I fell asleep. That night in my sleep, I dreamed about a little fairy flying in our room, and I could see the twinkling light of her tiny wand. She has transparent tiny wings with neon colours! She flew into our mosquito net which hung over our queen-sized wooden bed. When she got too close to my face I was scared and so I closed my eyes. When I open them again, she was gone! In the morning, I was so excited to tell mum about my vivid dream, but she didn't seem to be surprised or excited! On hindsight, probably she was in utter disbelief!

Now, as a mother to my own children, I am glad that mum and dad read and shared those wonderful fairy tales with me. When I grew up into my teen years, there were times when life was cruel, when I had my first heartbreak and when I failed to achieve some dreams and wishes. those times I needed places to be on my own, and the fairy tales that dad used to read to me earlier provided refuge for me. I would retreat into the recesses of my mind reminiscing and re-living my childhood and at the same time doing some deep thinking about where I had gone wrong, and how I could rectify them. I am truly grateful that I had the opportunity to listen to dad's story telling. each story carried meaningful lessons that dad tried his best to explain to me. When my children were little, I did the same to them. They loved fairy tales, but when they grew older, I cautioned them that life is no fairy tale, and that the days when people "live happily ever after" after some hardship and miseries are not always true. Nowadays,  my daughters and I still enjoy watching fairy tale movies at our home theatre as well as in the cinemax. 

12. All Souls Day - Remembering The Dearly Departed

This year's All Souls Day, I lit my candles for those dearly departed - those who had contributed to my life one way or the other. I commemorate my late dad - to me, a dad like no other! Dad taught me honesty and humility, the evil of corruption and bribery, and to respect the young and old, the poor and the rich, and that respect begets respect. Throughout my career, I reminded myself of these things in order that I could sleep well at night. When dad was working as an officer with my country's government department in charge of overseeing and managing the country's land, he could have made himself rich with the many opportunities to accept bribes from those desperate for land to develop, but he chose to hold fast and firm to his principle of honesty and personal integrity. He was proud of his inner strength and he often reminded his children that he would rather be poor than be dishonest, and that accepting bribery is akin to stealing from the public coffer.

My granddad, from my mum's side (maternal grandfather), though small in stature, was such a 'big' man in personality and integrity. He was knowledgable in his community in his days, and was often looked up unto, for advice and as source of reference pertaining to our community's traditions and cultural practices and law. He was prudent in his ways, soft spoken and he demonstrated patience towards the antics of his contemporaries as well as the younger generations. He was passionate about his love for his people and was proud of his race. I learned a great deal from my granddad. I had the opportunity to hear first hand from him the stories, legends and mythologies of my people when I was still very young. He taught me that life should be a never ending quest for knowledge, which is not limited just to classroom academics. And the most precious advice he gave me was to go out and travel to rest of the world when ever I have the means and the chance to do so, in order to broaden my knowledge, experience and insights. I loved this granddad of mine with all my heart, and he breathed his last breath while his head was cradled in my hands at that government quarters back in Sri Aman town four days after the Harvest Festival in June 1980.

There are others who are part of my extended family, who have passed on and to whom I owe part of my life - those who played direct role in contributing to my upbringing and wellbeing - such as my maternal aunt and her husband, Uncle Sullang, my uncle from dad's side; my dad's late brothers Uncle Boniface and Uncle Richard Nelson who both helped to educate me in my high school; my biological grandfather who taught me about integrity as well as some of our native customs and laws.

To these people and to many others who have left their footprints on the shores of my heart, I pray to God Almighty, to continue blessing their souls, so that they may rest in eternal peace.

My Arabic lanterns are lit up with candles to commemorate my family's dearly departed

11. I Saw Her In My Dream Last Night

In my dream last night, I was walking down this street, some what familiar yet different from the many streets I have been to in my life. The five-footway was narrow and not of the same level. Some parts one had to walk up, others one had to go down slopes. It felt like I was walking along Dunedin's hilly sidewalks!

Some of the shops I passed by were familiar, some were closed. At one of the older shops, I paused just to peer inside. It was a coffee shop - kind of dark and alittle bit crowded, so I did not enter. I continued to walk down the sidewalk and then across the street I saw a park with benches and flowers of many kinds grown there. A few children and some adults were playing and strolling there, too. As my eyes were focussed on the park across the street, my foot stumbled upon some loose pavers. I looked down and saw that there were some broken pavers on the sidewalk. I look at the shop and it was closed, but I could see some light upstairs through the carved wooden shutters. And I wonder who was the owner.

As I was looking up, someone called out my name. I thought that she sounded familiar. As my eyes searched the opened windows upstairs of the shop, a girl came out. To my surprise, I saw Chara, I knew in my heart that she had passed on, and I was wondering in my mind, why she was at that place. I called out her name in response. Then I asked if that shoplot belonged to her, to which she said, "Yes". She came down and outside, and we started talking. Through my teary eyes, I looked at her - actually scanned her head to toe - and saw that she looked well and healthy, youthful and pretty. She was dressed in a turquoise blue dress with big white polka dots.  I asked her how she was doing, and she told me that she was very happy in her new place. She told me that at last she is free - free from all burden and pain. And then she walked away to the park.

She was running and hopping as if she was catching some invisible ball in the air. She was laughing and screaming with sheer happiness among the little children, She looked so beautiful and free. I slowly walked away and called out to her to say goodbye as I had to return home. She blew me kisses, and as I left the place I no longer cried, because I knew that she is now in a better, happier place.

10. Rest In Peace, My Dear Chara

Dear Chara,

Your kindness and generosity will forever remain in my heart and memory. Though your life is brief, it has impacted so many people, because of your kindness.

I am lighting some candles for you in my heart and their flame will never die. Their light will brighten your path to our Father in heaven.

Now, at the time of my writing, as you lay in state among your beloved family, many hearts are in sorrow and may years are being cried. Tomorrow, you will be laid to rest forever.

Rest in peace, my dearest friend.

9. Farewell my dearest friend, Chara...

Dearest Chara, in the midst of my sorrow I have these words to say:

My deepest sympathy to the family of my dearest friend, Chara, on her return to be with our Creator, the Almighty God on 16th October 2015.

8. Hallelujah - Cover by Juliana Chahayed

There's something different about her voice that captivates me. Her rendition of several songs are just pleasing to the ears. Here, she sings Leonard Cohen's 'Hallelujah' beautifully, as if she's telling the story about King David and how he was struck by the beauty of a woman....

Now I've heard there was a secret chord

That David played, and it pleased the Lord

But you don't really care for music, do you?

It goes like this

The fourth, the fifth

The minor fall, the major lift

The baffled king composing Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Your faith was strong but you needed proof

You saw her bathing on the roof

Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew her

She tied you

To a kitchen chair

She broke your throne, and she cut your hair

And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

You say I took the name in vain

I don't even know the name

But if I did, well really, what's it to you?

There's a blaze of light

In every word

It doesn't matter which you heard

The holy or the broken Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

I did my best, it wasn't much

I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch

I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you

And even though

It all went wrong

I'll stand before the Lord of Song

With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah, Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Songwriter: Cohen, Leonard

7. We May Love Shopping But We're Not Buying His Bullshit

Not Buying His Bullshit!

To the rest of us, it was as clear as the day - his lies, pretense and his bullshit excuses, but it seemed that she is the only one that didn't know. He would tell her that he had classes from morning till evening, and that at night he had to prepare for the next morning's presentations. He would tell her that he was busy all day long, yet he was seen driving on the road with either his girl friend or his guy friend. Most of the nights he would come home the earliest at 3 o'clock in the morning. If he did come home at or just minutes before midnight, he would throw himself on her bed and ask her to massage his shoulders, back and legs. 

She had helped his parents to raise him up from the time he was a toddler. She treats him like he's her king, where as his sibling (younger sister) she treats her the way a bad stepmother treats her step daughter - no pleasantries, no praises, just scornful words and commanding orders. The show of obvious discrimination and preferential treatment between these siblings is sickening to watch. I haven't seen such degree of discrimination within a family unit. When it comes to the girl's choices or decisions or simply anything, they were always met with curt or snappy words and disgruntlement. When it comes to the lad, no request is ever refused or denied or ignored. 

What pissed me off so much is the way he manipulated her; how he lied to her, with shallow excuses and hard-to-believe stories. When he was not having classes at the university, he spent his time outside the house gambling on line with his friends. Many times he went to clubs and bars to drink till late nights. When he came home his smell reeked with liquors and spirits and cigarette smoke. Yet she pretended that those things never happened. Some times I wonder how someone could be so stupefied by such a creepy liar!

She wanted the rest of us to believe that her precious boy is beyond perfect, but we could see that she had been deceived and lied to by him. We know that at some point she knew that he lied to her, and yet she tried so hard to cover his lies and deception. Why?? 

6. Respect Begets Respect

Lately, the on line news has been about this group of people throwing verbal threats in response to a perceived idea that their existence has been threatened and at the same time demanding to be given respect. Actually I am tired of hearing and reading about the same news about the same group of people who have nothing else better to do than invoking hatred based on racism and religion. Those same people also have been provoking the others by name-calling and mockery, and the more extreme ones  have gone to the extreme of destroying other people's places of worship.

Living in a multiracial is very trying indeed. The many races, different cultures and languages in a multiracial country can be the very things that can cause national discord. However, if each and everyone of us works at understanding the other person's culture and even religion, perhaps we can make the country and the world a more harmonious place to live. In fact, we have been living together peacefully, harmoniously since decades ago until lately, when a group of racists pulled out the racists card and demanded respect and treatment that is fit only for the aristocrats with their claim of being the supreme race!

How can anyone scream and shout, carry posters and slogans demanding to be respected! Respect is given freely, yet cannot be bought with money. Respect is earned by humility and respect for others.

Respect begets respect. Just that, and no other way.....

5. Home Is Where The Heart Is

When my other half asked me if I would join him abroad while he was on his overseas assignments from Shell Company many years ago, I was at loss for words. In my mind, thoughts were racing - Does this mean that I have to resign from my job? Leave my well-paying job and a promising career with one of the most prestigious companies in my beloved country? What will I be doing as a home-maker in another country where I have no friends, no relations and so on? What about my extended families? What about the beautiful house that we had built with our hard earned savings and lots of love and memories in it? These were some of the questions in my mind. 

On the other hand, I was worried about letting my other half taking care of himself alone for a long time away from home. I was in a dilemma, but I had to make my decision as fast as possible. After careful consideration, weighing the pros and cons of being with him as well as not being with him, I decided that I would accompany him on his overseas job postings, but I was still unsure - would I feel at home in the new place, in another country? In Japan?

Looking back, of course I feel at home - any where, for that matter, because....

Now, 10 years have passed and we are still living, working away from home. This place is now the second country we have moved to and which becomes our second home - a home I've grown to love a lot. And yes! contrary to my earlier thoughts and fear, I survived. Thanks to God Almighty, to whom I have grown much closer. 

4. Can't Help Falling In Love

As I scrolled down the news feed of my Facebook, I came across a posting from my dearest friend, Sylvia. It's a YouTube video clip of a cover of Elvis Presley's song, "Can't Help Falling In Love" by this sweet girl, Juliana. She sang it so beautifully that I just have to share her clip here.

The song has always been one of my favourites and each time I hear it, it takes me back to the first time my other half sang it to me long ago as he strummed his acoustic guitar at the little garden of our the campus where we studied and first met.

3. Choice....And A Pledge To Myself

Waking up after my 8 hours of sleep and checking my blood glucose for the first time today, I know that I have no other choice but to be in complete control of my day to day choice of food, activities and thoughts. 

As a result of my extensive researches and readings on human metabolic disorders, I know what kind of food is good for me and what kind of food that I must avoid. Temptation is great and the tendency to have my 'cheat days' is strong, but there is this little voice that keeps telling me that I am the result of what I have decided. So today I pledge to myself that I must be KIND to me, because my health and well being is my own responsibility. 

By the way, my blood glucose reading for today is 100 mg/dl, after eating a bowl of noodle soup an hour before I slept.

2. Friendship - Making friends as we go along...

Life is indeed a journey, and as we go along we made friends here and there. Some would remain our friends for a long time, others just briefly. Some become true friends who stood by our side not only in times of our joy and abundance, but in our times of sorrow and hardship.

For me, I have only a few friends whom I can call my true friends. They need not be near me all the time, nor be in touch with me everyday, but they have always been there when they know that I need a shoulder to lean on or someone to chat with. They also accept me just as I am. As Henry David Thoreau once said about friendship : 

• "Friends... they cherish one another's hopes. They are kind to one another's dreams." 

Nowadays, with the existence of social media means to communicate, we also come across people who request our friendship. Some of these new found friends become really good friends, others are merely interested to look inside our life's "fish bowl", and in some cases, to find topics for their daily gossips. With the existence of the various social media means to establish social networks, 'stranger' is a word of yesterday. And, as the famous poet, William Butler Yeats said,

• "There are no strangers here; only friends you haven't yet met."

1. I Am A Believer

Let me begin by introducing myself - I am a believer in The Almighty God and His Son, our Redeemer Christ. I was born into a Christian family, but I must confess that I am not a staunch Christian if that is defined by the frequency of attending Sunday church services. Nevertheless, I have daily conversation with my God in the privacy of my home or thoughts.

To kick off, here is one of my favourite verses from the Bible, John Chapter 3 Verse 16: