A Piece Of My Soul - A Song By Stamatis Spanoudakis - In memory of Fajrina

Yesterday, at 4:34 p.m on 23rd November 2015, my daughter's childhood and best friend, Fajrina, finally lost her battle with SLE. Their friendship had lasted for 15 years, and theirs is a story of beautiful friendship. They first met when they were selected to continue their education at a junior college in the city where my daughter and her best friend were born, Their friendship also includes two more girls, Henrietta and Fazilah. When they completed their senior high school, they went separate ways, each, to different universities in different part of the country, as well as outside, to pursue their dreams. Henrietta was the first to graduate with Bachelor in Civil Engineering from UNIMAS. Next to graduate was Fajrina, with Bachelor of Accountancy with Honours from UITM, My daughter Stephy graduated with Bachelor in Nursing with Distinction from a Canadian University, while Fazilah has just graduated from UTHM with Master's degree majoring in Education.

As a mother, I was always keen about my children's well-being. I took deep and genuine interest in their friends and made a point to get to know them and make them feel at ease with me. I watched them grow from early teens to adulthood. I enjoyed watching them share their stories as well as their funs. The friendship between these four girls transcends time and distance. They tried their best to meet at least once a year to catch up with each other on their latest stories. They took full advantage of the latest technologies to keep in touch with each other.

Fajrina was such a sweet girl, who was shy, polite and soft-spoken, but she was never in the best of health. The first time she was admitted to the hospital it was  due to her kidneys not functioning very well. At one stage, she had to go on medical leave to rest for six months, Then she recovered and continued with her senior high school. Ever since that time, she was on constant medical check up and hospital visits were becoming more frequent. I often wonder how she managed to complete her undergraduate school and passed with an Honours Degree in Accountancy.

Last October, my daughter, Stephy, flew from Doha in Qatar back to the city where she was born in Malaysia specially to visit Fajrina who was admitted to the hospital. When she returned from the trip, she was in tears, and she told me that things weren't looking good for Fajrina, but that she (Stephy) had to keep her sadness in her heart. Yesterday, barely a month after Stephy's visit, Fajrina lost her battle with what was diagnosed as SLE that had attacked both her kidneys and bone marrow and the rest of her organs. Stephy cried uncontrollably and as I tried to console her, hugging her whimpering body close to mine, my tears flowed silently. Fajrina was only twenty eight years old - so young and with so much to live for. 

Now, as I wrote this note, I remind myself just how transient and fragile life can be. That young girl who was just into her teen years back in the year 2001 has left us today. And I have so many regrets, especially knowing her background and her life story. If only I had known....

Life is so fragile and transient - we always think that our best friends and those that we love will forever be with us and that misfortunes only happen to other people. Let us treasure our friendship - hold our friends' hands and memories dearly in our hearts. Pray for each other. For me, even though I am here, far away from you all, my best friends, your kindness and our memories will always remain in my heart. And though I don't say it out loud - I loved you all then ...still....and always will.

Farewell dear Faj....Each time someone we love dies, she/he takes with her/him a tiny piece of our soul.....

13. Of Fairy Tales and Bed Time Stories...

When I was little, dad used to read stories from a story book, about the elves who helped a poor old man to make shoes. Every time he finished reading the book, he would cover me with my blanket and promised that he would continue with another story the next night. The next night dad continued with another story about two siblings, Hansel and his sister, Gretel, children of a poor wood-cutter and his wife, who were abandoned in the forest. The part where the witch planned to fatten and then eat the siblings were quite scary for little me, but like most fairy tales, the ending was a happy one!

Dad read me all the stories in that old story book, which must have been extracted from Grimm's Fairy Tales written by the Grimm Brothers. With each story from the book, I would imagine that I was with the main characters, watching them went through happy as well as scary moments. When dad finished reading the story of Rapunzel the long-haired maiden who was locked up in a little room up a tower, I imagined how lovely she looked with her long blonde hair. The pictures drawn in the old story book did not help at all, as we did not have coloured prints and pictures then!

The story of Rumpelstiltskin scared me more than thrilled me. I remember vividly, when dad finished reading the story, I did not want him to leave my bed. I did not want to imagine myself in the story. I remembered covereing myself with my blanket from head to toe. Dad stayed with me and my little sister until I fell asleep. That night in my sleep, I dreamed about a little fairy flying in our room, and I could see the twinkling light of her tiny wand. She has transparent tiny wings with neon colours! She flew into our mosquito net which hung over our queen-sized wooden bed. When she got too close to my face I was scared and so I closed my eyes. When I open them again, she was gone! In the morning, I was so excited to tell mum about my vivid dream, but she didn't seem to be surprised or excited! On hindsight, probably she was in utter disbelief!

Now, as a mother to my own children, I am glad that mum and dad read and shared those wonderful fairy tales with me. When I grew up into my teen years, there were times when life was cruel, when I had my first heartbreak and when I failed to achieve some dreams and wishes. those times I needed places to be on my own, and the fairy tales that dad used to read to me earlier provided refuge for me. I would retreat into the recesses of my mind reminiscing and re-living my childhood and at the same time doing some deep thinking about where I had gone wrong, and how I could rectify them. I am truly grateful that I had the opportunity to listen to dad's story telling. each story carried meaningful lessons that dad tried his best to explain to me. When my children were little, I did the same to them. They loved fairy tales, but when they grew older, I cautioned them that life is no fairy tale, and that the days when people "live happily ever after" after some hardship and miseries are not always true. Nowadays,  my daughters and I still enjoy watching fairy tale movies at our home theatre as well as in the cinemax. 

12. All Souls Day - Remembering The Dearly Departed

This year's All Souls Day, I lit my candles for those dearly departed - those who had contributed to my life one way or the other. I commemorate my late dad - to me, a dad like no other! Dad taught me honesty and humility, the evil of corruption and bribery, and to respect the young and old, the poor and the rich, and that respect begets respect. Throughout my career, I reminded myself of these things in order that I could sleep well at night. When dad was working as an officer with my country's government department in charge of overseeing and managing the country's land, he could have made himself rich with the many opportunities to accept bribes from those desperate for land to develop, but he chose to hold fast and firm to his principle of honesty and personal integrity. He was proud of his inner strength and he often reminded his children that he would rather be poor than be dishonest, and that accepting bribery is akin to stealing from the public coffer.

My granddad, from my mum's side (maternal grandfather), though small in stature, was such a 'big' man in personality and integrity. He was knowledgable in his community in his days, and was often looked up unto, for advice and as source of reference pertaining to our community's traditions and cultural practices and law. He was prudent in his ways, soft spoken and he demonstrated patience towards the antics of his contemporaries as well as the younger generations. He was passionate about his love for his people and was proud of his race. I learned a great deal from my granddad. I had the opportunity to hear first hand from him the stories, legends and mythologies of my people when I was still very young. He taught me that life should be a never ending quest for knowledge, which is not limited just to classroom academics. And the most precious advice he gave me was to go out and travel to rest of the world when ever I have the means and the chance to do so, in order to broaden my knowledge, experience and insights. I loved this granddad of mine with all my heart, and he breathed his last breath while his head was cradled in my hands at that government quarters back in Sri Aman town four days after the Harvest Festival in June 1980.

There are others who are part of my extended family, who have passed on and to whom I owe part of my life - those who played direct role in contributing to my upbringing and wellbeing - such as my maternal aunt and her husband, Uncle Sullang, my uncle from dad's side; my dad's late brothers Uncle Boniface and Uncle Richard Nelson who both helped to educate me in my high school; my biological grandfather who taught me about integrity as well as some of our native customs and laws.

To these people and to many others who have left their footprints on the shores of my heart, I pray to God Almighty, to continue blessing their souls, so that they may rest in eternal peace.

My Arabic lanterns are lit up with candles to commemorate my family's dearly departed

11. I Saw Her In My Dream Last Night

In my dream last night, I was walking down this street, some what familiar yet different from the many streets I have been to in my life. The five-footway was narrow and not of the same level. Some parts one had to walk up, others one had to go down slopes. It felt like I was walking along Dunedin's hilly sidewalks!

Some of the shops I passed by were familiar, some were closed. At one of the older shops, I paused just to peer inside. It was a coffee shop - kind of dark and alittle bit crowded, so I did not enter. I continued to walk down the sidewalk and then across the street I saw a park with benches and flowers of many kinds grown there. A few children and some adults were playing and strolling there, too. As my eyes were focussed on the park across the street, my foot stumbled upon some loose pavers. I looked down and saw that there were some broken pavers on the sidewalk. I look at the shop and it was closed, but I could see some light upstairs through the carved wooden shutters. And I wonder who was the owner.

As I was looking up, someone called out my name. I thought that she sounded familiar. As my eyes searched the opened windows upstairs of the shop, a girl came out. To my surprise, I saw Chara, I knew in my heart that she had passed on, and I was wondering in my mind, why she was at that place. I called out her name in response. Then I asked if that shoplot belonged to her, to which she said, "Yes". She came down and outside, and we started talking. Through my teary eyes, I looked at her - actually scanned her head to toe - and saw that she looked well and healthy, youthful and pretty. She was dressed in a turquoise blue dress with big white polka dots.  I asked her how she was doing, and she told me that she was very happy in her new place. She told me that at last she is free - free from all burden and pain. And then she walked away to the park.

She was running and hopping as if she was catching some invisible ball in the air. She was laughing and screaming with sheer happiness among the little children, She looked so beautiful and free. I slowly walked away and called out to her to say goodbye as I had to return home. She blew me kisses, and as I left the place I no longer cried, because I knew that she is now in a better, happier place.